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Santa Claus’ cargo airline JingleJet has collapsed into voluntary administration.
Financial services firm Caspar, Balthazar & Melchior (CB&M) was sensationally called in as administrator overnight following days of speculation about the carrier’s future, with insiders criticising Claus’ decision to invest in an expensive 747 freighter for a seasonal-only business.
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“I don’t know what Santa was thinking,” said one source, who spoke under condition of anonymity for fear of losing their job at Claus’ workshop and ending up on his infamous ‘naughty list’.
“The 12 Days of Christmas are a really busy time of year, sure, but that’s only 12 days. There’s not a lot of demand for Christmas presents outside that, and especially not things like partridges in pear trees. None of this required a whole new plane.
“I think he realised that near the end, which is why he tried to expand into the potentially really lucrative birthday market, but that was a massive overextension, and, well, here we are.”
CB&M, which has experience in the gift delivery business as well as in the handling of expensive luxury goods such as gold, frankincense and myrrh, will be tasked with turning around JingleJet, whose creditors number in the billions and include workers, suppliers, airports, and all the good little children of Earth.
The administrators have signalled an intention to sell off the airline’s iconic 747-400 freighter, registered HO-HOHO, which it purchased just last year from Bunnyhop Airways, and return to sleigh-based gift delivery operations.
“While he has been temporarily relieved of his position as CEO of JingleJet, Mr Claus will remain with the company as a sleigh operator and gift delivery officer, and we thank him for continuing to assist with his expertise,” the administrators said in a statement.
Though the carrier’s sleigh fleet is aging, with its sole aircraft estimated to be several hundred years old at least, it is believed to be in a better position than former rival Kwonza, which operated with a small fleet of leased aircraft before being liquidated earlier this year.
“The administrators are three very wise men, so I’m sure they’ll be able to keep the sleigh bells jingling – ring tingle tingling, too – while they sort all this mess out,” the insider said.
The Santas Workshop Union (SWU) has urged CB&M to retain as many jobs as possible in what may be a tough holiday season, with transport secretary Blitzen blaming Claus for the company’s woes.
“This is the end result of Santa’s positively Scroogian attempt to pull the rug out from under his loyal sleigh-pulling team, and demonstrates the need for better labour protections in the gift production and delivery industry,” the spokesreindeer said.
“We urgently need a Safe and Secure Sleighs Commission to ensure consumers and workers don’t wind up with nothing but coal in their stockings this Christmas. Preferably also some figgy pudding.”
Alan Hume
says:Ho, ho, ho. Very droll!